Thursday, July 31, 2008

going home

so eric, molly, and i are leaving today to go back to findlay. on our journey to ohio we are stopping in kenosha to see the bolton's. then we are back on our way. going to finlday leaves me with a lot of mixed emotions. sure it's the place i was born, raised, and married. it's also the place i buried my grandparents, brother, and watched my family get torn apart. so, it's not always a happy reunion to go back. i have an aunt who left findlay over 20 years ago, and she has never, and will never come back. it's funny because you have people like my dad who love it. he was born, raised, and will die there. then you have others who can't run fast enough from it. who knew small town america could be so scary? visits in the past i have to admit, mostly have been dreaded. now with molly, i am a little excited to take her to some favorite places. but she is so young, almost 1, wow! will she even remember?

eric and i had a chance to move back to findlay to work at a church. i am not kidding or being sarcastic when i say this, but i truly thank god on a daily basis we didn't move back. i think i would be an awful person to live with and be around. findlay had so many firsts for me, and so many lasts.

i wish it was a place that i was so pumped up to go to. i wish i had better memories there. the only good things that came out of findlay are my best friend adrienne, and my husband, eric. and all of the memories i have with them.

don't get me wrong. findlay is not an awful place, i have a lot of friends, and a pretty much all of my family there. they find it appealing. i think it's hard to see findlay as this wonderful, small town, full of republicans, and you don't have to lock your doors at night, once you move away from it. once we hit the signs on 75 that say findlay, my stomach turns a little. but you know i am trying to be more optimistic for this trip. we are going to be there for like 12 days. so i might as well make the best of it. ryan and karis are getting married, which i never thought would happen. eric is performing the wedding, and we all are matchy, matchy for it. that is exciting, to me :) and we are having molly's first birthday party there. so that is giving me something to look forward to. now that i have a kid, and am getting older (24, it's old) i want to have this part of me that gets excited to show my kids where mommy grew up, and where mommy and daddy got baptized, and got married. and i will always have, here is where uncle andy is buried.

so going home gives me mixed emotions, and i think it always will. but some things i have to look forward to in findlay:

1) archies

2) dietschs

3) hoonan gardens

4) george house

...and those might be it :)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

a year of mommyhood under my belt, well almost


so molly is turning 1 in like 2 weeks. i can hardly believe it. the first year has really gone fast. sure there are days when she is cranky, and grumpy, and it feels like forever. then there are days that i think "wow, when did you start moving so fast?!" she has grown up a lot, and to think a year ago she was still inside me. i am now starting to get sad about the first year, and all of the accomplishments she has achieved, and what is still to come. i was putting all of her pictures in photo albums to display at her birthday party, and to just remember the exact day i saw the plus sign on the pregnancy test, to now, watching her look at books and turn their pages. holy crap!

a year of motherhood has taught me a lot, and i know it will continue to teach me. i definitely do things i thought i never would, and i give in to her all of the time. but something really important it has taught me is to be less judgemental. once you become a mom you become part of this big motherhood club i think. you see moms, and women in general in just a different way. you understand a lot more about them, and why their kid is screaming. because sooner or later, your kid is going to be the one screaming in target. you really see the struggles of women trying to balance life, husbands, kids, jobs, housework, etc. you become more empathetic and less harsh with people. a lady at church always says, "no judgement here." and i think, you know, you are right. now, i do think there are times when someone should be like, ok you are breaking the law, or not acting in a godly-manner. but for the most part she usually is referring to giving your kid the extra bottle, or letting them crawl around way past bedtime.

last week when adrienne was here-which sidenote, was a great visit- we talked about our labor and delivery experiences. which another thing, once you become a mom, you are allowed to think your experience was the worst one out there! i give you permission, because i sure do think mine was awful! i could scare teenage girls away from getting pregnant by telling them my 3 day experience! so go ahead ladies, pat yourself on the back for all of the hard work you did to get those babies out!

molly has also taught me a lot about being gentle, and patient. i used to think i was a very patient person, and now i feel sluggish waiting on her sometimes. i love to go exploring with her everyday, and chasing her around the house. the simple toothy smile she gives me is seriously is enough to melt me. but i usually choke back tears and thank god for blessing me with her. i am still amazed at what a wonderful gift molly is, and that eric and i had a hand in creating her.

you know being a mom isn't always easy, and it's not always pretty either. but the reward of seeing your child everyday is seriously the best. sometimes when i get so proud of molly i sit and wonder if this is how god feels we do something right. i bet he cheers just as loud as the rest of us when one of his kids does something monumental.

Monday, July 21, 2008

missing andy

so about a week ago was the 10 year anniversary of my brother's death. for some reason this year, the tenth year really hit me hard. it was like the first year was monumental, and the tenth year was, and all of the other years just didn't count or something. my brother was 22 when he died, and i was 14. we were so different, yet so much alike. i knew my brother, obvioulsly, but it really wasn't until he died and the years following it, did i really get to know my brother, and what he was about. he was a kind, and gentle person. he genuinely cared about someone, not just what was on the outside, but he saw their soul. andy had this way to just calm a room full of anxious people down with just one simple hey. he used to call every saturday morning and when i would answer the phone he would say hey. i miss that. it took a long time to get used to not hearing his voice on saturday mornings.
sometimes i feel guilty because i have done so much more then my brother. i graduated college, got married, had my 1st job, had a kid, and got the heck out of findlay. i know he would of eventually done all of these things. especially moving out of findlay. then i think about all of the things he did do in his short, but meaningful 22 years of being alive. he impacted so many people, that my family is still hearing stories about him today. he has impacted me, and for that, i am forever grateful. sometimes i don't think of andy as my brother, but as some sort of legend. he had a way with words, vocally, and on paper. he knew what you were thinking, and he knew just what to say. i learned so much from him, and am still learning from him.
i get sad sometimes thinking about how molly will never meet him. sure i tell her stories about him, and show her pictures, but it's not the same to me. she will only ever know this photograph, but not the beautiful person inside of it.
i miss andy every day, and wish i could share a cup of coffee with him again.