Tuesday, August 12, 2008

back to the cheese castle

when you cross over the illinois/wisconsin border you see this tiny little building, it's in the shape of a castle, and the sign reads "cheese castle." that little building now tells me that i am home. in ohio, driving back to good'ole liberty township, when i saw touchdown jesus, that always told me i am home. in findlay, when i saw the big sugar towers, or water tower with flag city plastered all over it, that told me i was home. and in knoxille, the big golden ball at world's fair park told me i was home.

being in the ministry i am not sure you are ever really home. ministers tend to move around, quite a bit. well, some do and some don't. it just all depends. i never moved until i got married, and eric and i started our new lives together. i left to go to school, but knoxville wasn't what you considered your permanent residence. i loved knoxville. there are days i long to be back at jbc. those days seem a lot easier, and less stressful. getting to class on time was your biggest worry, and now it's paying the rent on time.

last week eric and i traveled back home. i use that term, home, loosely. i really feel like the city you are in should not define you, but that's a whole nother blog. we went to findlay for a wedding, and for eric to preach at our home church. i was wishy-washy before leaving. like i stated in my last blog, findlay brings about a lot of mixed emotions. but this visit was good. i am glad we were there for a longer period of time, then just 2 or 3 days like usual. eric's mom took the whole week off, so that was a lot of fun for me to hang out with her. i feel truly blessed because i love my mother-in-law, and we have a great relationship.

our niece, mandy, got baptized while we were home, and we had molly's first birthday party. it was fun, busy, and i am more tired now, then when we left. now we are back to the cheese castle and i am trying to get a routine going again. i am so far behind in school it's not even funny. i am so far behind, that i don't want to even start again. dropping out sounds good, but i won't.

i think god has been trying to teach me a lesson about contentment, but i might now always be listening. i am learning to be content with what i have, and where i am at. we live in what i would classify as a small apartment, but i don't have to work. i am able to stay home with molly and truly enjoy her. that's my passion, to be a mom, and god is fulfilling that passion. we don't have a nice, fancy car by any means, and we seem to keep pumping money into it. but we have always been able to pay the bill when it comes. there's a song that i hear like 10 times a day, because i listen to k-love, but a line in it says, "have what you want, but want what you have." do i really want what i have. at first i think i thought about this line in terms of material things. but now after going home last week, and now returning, i am thinking of this line in relationship terms. i want a strong family relationship, and i have it. thanks god.

one more thing, last week at molly's party a very special person came to see us, suz. suz is this brilliant, witty, awesome person that my brother fell in love with. i didn't know her until after andy died. but now i see why he fell in love with her. i went to stay with her after andy died for a week or so. i wanted to meet this person my brother loved so deeply. in my 14 year old mind, this all made sense. my parents let me ride the train from toledo, oh, to chicago. all by myself. that doesn't seem so smart now that i think about it, but this was like 2 weeks after the funeral, and i am not so sure we were thinking clearly. none the less, i met her and fell in love with her too. we haven't seen each other as often as we both would like to, but we still remain close. she is fabulous, and i am so glad she was able to come meet molly, and spend time with us. i often wonder what would have happened with her and andy if he didn't die. she is now married to a wonderful man, and they are happy. that's what andy would have wanted, for her to be happy. and i smile knowing she is.

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