Tuesday, January 26, 2010

I thought it was over...

I thought the miscarriage business was all over.  I mean, really, what was left to come out?  Apparently still more.  To make a long, probably gross to some story short, I had to go back the emergency room yesterday to have an emergency D&C performed, without any anesthesia.

It was a normal morning, I dropped Molly off at the sitter's, drove to work, started my day out.  Then it all seemed to go downhill from there.  I had a lot of bleeding, and passing of things that should not come out of your body, you know what I mean.  Well, I hope none of you know what I mean, the sad reality is, you all do.  I called the doctor, they told me to go straight to the ER, and they would call ahead for me.  I was thinking, oh how nice of them, no, really they were preparing for the worst.  We got there and checked in, they took me back rather quickly, started an IV, drew blood, and did all sorts of fun stuff in a big hurry.

I had another ultra sound done, which confirmed I had passed everything but the baby.  "The what, was still in where??!!"  That might have been a direct quote from me when she told me what was happening.  I thought I had miscarried the baby and we were moving on and starting to grieve and process.  But really, the worst was yet to come.  After that I had many more physical exams, more blood taken, another bag of IV fluid, and was being prepped for surgery to have the D&C.  They came and asked me a million questions, all to find out that I have a severe reaction to any type of anesthesia.  Even the stuff they give you to make you loopy, nope, not good for me.  So they were originally going to give me a local, then when they found out that I get really sick, they were going to put me out, then I had to spend the night there, all while they trying to admit me to the OB floor.  Whose genius idea was it to put women having miscarriages or who have lost their babies on the same floor with women who have newborn babies?  Are you kidding me right now?!

Luckily, my doctor came down and saw me in the ER, where she was able to talk with us and give us some options and what not.  After much discussion, I opted to have her just do whatever she needed to do right there in the room, no drugs, no nothing but me holding onto the blanket with the one hand, and the other hand was holding the nurses.  By this time I did not care, and just wanted it all to be over with.  I am sure some you think I am nuts, and that thought has crossed my mind a lot today, but at that moment last night I just wanted to do anything I could to make it be over with quickly. 

The doctor was able to manipulate whatever she needed to to get the baby out.  My tiny baby was put into a plastic container for all to see on a rolling cart.  Not the happy, healthy birth I had planned in my head a month ago.  Then it was over.  The doctor believes she got out everything that was still left behind, and now I am on some medicine to help my cervix contract back to normal size, and get anything else in there out.  I had to go get my blood taken today to check my hormone levels, and I go back next week for the same thing and for another ultra sound. 

But last night we also had to choose where we wanted our baby buried.  I was not prepared for this, Eric was not prepared for this.  We never thought about this before.  But because I "delivered" my baby at a Catholic hospital they do not believe in discarding any fetus.  So they pay to bury your baby for you, and they even inscribe their name on a memorial stone, along with all of the other babies that have died there too.  I think this is a really nice thing to do, but I was not aware of this before last night, and really not prepared to deal with any of it.  Eric and I are not from around here, so the two options of cemetaries they gave us, we had no clue.  So we went with the one we knew where the road was.  How sad is that.  I chose my babies cemetary because I am semi-familiar with the road. 

We also got a birth certificate and some other information on miscarriage and infant loss.  They actually have a lot of wonderful things they give you.  I am very appreciative of the care we recieved at the hospital last night.  The nurses, doctors, ultra sound techs, everyone was great to us, and very accomodating. 

So that is where we are at right now.  What a turbulent Januray so far, all I want to know is, is it February yet?

30 comments:

3 Blessings said...

I am so sorry. I cannot imagine how horrible that must have been for you and your husband. I will be praying for you.
Hugs,
Amy

Jenilee said...

wow... all I can say is that I will continue to pray for you and your family. I can't even imagine... hugs, hugs and more hugs from me to you.

September said...

Kate,, My heart is grieving for you. Your friends are praying for you, and we will always be here.
I am so sorry that you are having to think about the unthinkable details that you have to turn into decisions.
God's sustaining grace will guide you moment by moment.
February will be here soon.. but more importantly,, tomorrow will bring new mercies.
Love you Kate!

Holly said...

Kate, I am in tears for you and what you have had to go through. I'm so sorry. I wish this never had to happen to you or Eric. :'(

You simply cannot be prepared for something like this and there is no doubt it was a lot to take in at the time. And believe me, I know how difficult it is to be on the maternity floor. I'm glad you didn't have to go there. I remember hearing the cries of babies while I sat in my room and held my dead daughter. (Ok, I'm really crying now!) There really should be some area separate that women experiencing loss can go so they don't have to be around them.

I don't think it's sad that you picked the cemetery because you knew of the road. Anthony and I had no clue about the local cemeteries. I knew of only one but the funeral director introduced to several others. We mostly made the decision based on knowing that the one she is at is in the country. We weren't familiar with it otherwise. I did do a drive-by once but the first time I stepped in it was to buy our plots. You make the best decisions that you can with the knowledge that you have.

I am glad that you got such good care at what sounds like a good hospital. I will continue to pray for you and Eric as you continue to grieve and deal with what has happened and for God to bring you both comfort. (((((HUGS)))))

Love you lots. ♥

HappyascanB said...

Oh Kate, how very sorry I am for you! I am heartbroken you had to endure all of that. God Bless You. I'm praying for y'all. Praying praying.

April said...

Oh My Goodness, Kate. I can not believe the past few weeks you have had, and what you have dealt with. You are such a brave, strong woman and mother to take on this horrible event with grace. Did you go to Columbia St. Marys? I had no idea that there was any burial process for a miscarriage loss. I know you weren't prepared for it, and I do hope you were able to feel a little consolation knowing that other people (medical staff at that) really do care about your little baby, to see a proper memorial. What a nice gift they offered... (especially after omitting you to the OB floor!)

hugs kate

Stephanie said...

Oh Kate...my heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say, other than, I am on my knees right now praying for you...

Veronica said...

I'm so sorry Kate.

I'm praying that the Lord will wrap his arms around you guys and get you through this.

Love you...

Kristin said...

Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I cannot imagine what that was like, both physically and emotionally. As September said, we will always be here for you, always praying, and in the midst of all of our prayers surrounding you, there He will be. Sending lots of hugs your way. I love you!!

Kristen said...

Oh Kate. My heart just aches for you and your husband. You'll be in my prayers. {{HUGS}}

Kendra Lee said...

I am so sorry for all you are going through! You are a very strong woman, with an even stronger God. Let Him hold you in this time.
Praying,
Kendra

Steph T. said...

Sweet Kate...I am so sorry for you. My heart is just breaking and how I wish I could hug your little neck! I am praying for healing for you and strength. Just snuggle up with your sweet Molly and Eric and feel God's love all around precious friend. Thanks for keeping us updated.
Loveya,
Steph

Because of Love said...

My sweet friend, I am so sorry! I know that is hard/scary/painful/emotional....

I remember laying in that hospital bed thinking "I can't believe this is happening to me! I wish it were over!!!!"

And you had so many things that I didn't have to deal with. You are a strong woman!

I promise that it will get better! I promise that you will get back to normal! I promise that you will overcome it!!!!

Please know that I am praying for you. I really wish that I could give you a hug. No words really do help. You just have to trust that somewhere in all of this, God has some plan. (I know it isn't helpful to say that, but it is true.)

Take your time to cry and work through it.

BTW: I gave you an award on my blog for you. It seems kinda silly now, but know that I care about ya!

Kelly said...

I am so so sorry. I cannot even imagine how difficult all that was. I will continue to pray for you and your husband.
{{hugs}}

Barclay Kathryn said...

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry. All I can say is God will bring something good from this situation. BUt I know, it still sucks. Praying tons!

Becca said...

You poor thing! My heart just aches for you and your husband right now. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been. I will continue to keep you guys in my prayers!

Mom Putnam said...

Oh Kate and Eric, How those memories flood back for me and I am so sorry you had to endure all that. I dont understand either why any hospital has a policy to put women on the OB floor when they miscarry, probably someone who has never had to deal with the circumstance, thats who. Family is certainly thinking of the 2 of you and ppraying for you during this time that you find comfort and healing and the healing for your body. Again, I am so sorry and if you need to talk just call me, I am here.

amanda said...

oh my kate! how scary. my first d/c the stuff to make you loopy didn't work and i remember every single detail. i am SO SO SO SO SO SO sorry you had to go through it and remember everything. it makes my heart break and my gut wrench for you. praying still!!

HappyascanB said...

I know I commented yesterday, but I wanted to let you know again that you're on my heart and in my prayers, Kate. Hugs from me to you.

Jenilee said...

still praying... and I have an award for you over at my blog. maybe bring a smile to you day. hugs!!

Christina said...

Dear Kate,
I am a friend of Jenilee's and I miscarried a child and someone gave me this poem, I thought I would pass it along to you because it helped me grieve the loss of my little one.

http://getjoy.blogspot.com/2009/05/heavens-voice.html

Lauren said...

Kate,

I just started following your blog last week and haven't had a chance to comment until now. Your posts brought back so many memories and tears. I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible experience you just went through. I had a very similar experience about 3 years ago. It all just happened in one day - rather than the delay you experienced. My baby didn't want to leave either. But, I was able to have anesthesia for my D&C ... I can't imagine going through that without it. My heart goes out to you and breaks with yours. I will be praying for you ... for healing physically, emotionally, and mentally!

In His Love,
Lauren

Erin said...

You are still in my prayers - what a long road this has been for you and your husband. I pray for healing and comfort for both of you. Know that I am thinking of you often.

Pure Mommy Extract said...

I came over from Jenilee's blog. I'm so sorry to read that you are experiencing the difficulty of miscarriage. I know the pain personally and am praying for your healing. (I don't know the pain of D&C with no meds however- OUCH!)

We bought a beautiful gardenia to remember our baby, and that helped me to feel like I could watch something grow when I couldn't watch my baby grow. I hope you can find something that helps you as well.

So sorry for your loss =(.

Sarah Robbins said...

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your continuing grief. I hope that the Lord works this together for good in a way that he allows you to see. I am praying, praying for you.

croleyc69 said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm praying for you and Eric. I remember my first miscarriage and it was so terrible. I'm praying for you so much. {{HUGS}}
Caroline

Veronnica Watson said...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one should ever have to deal with a loss of a child.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Thanks for stopping by my blog the other day. So nice to 'meet' you! ;)

Kari @ p.s. love.love. said...

I'm sorry Kate. I just have tears right now. You should not have had to go through that.

Katie said...

I am so sorry!!! If you need to talk I am here. I will be praying for you.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Oh, Kate...my heart is breaking as I read this post through tears. Crying with you tonight...I had no idea...and I'm so sorry.