Friday, February 12, 2010

Road to Healing

Yesterday at 11am I got a phone call from the cemetery saying that they were indeed during the burial, it was from 1-3pm, could I make it?  Umm, hello?!  In 2 hours, you give me a 2 hour notice, and there is like 15 inches of snow on the ground.  Eric and I figured since we hadn't heard anything all week, and with all of the snow on the ground, it was probably cancelled.

Sure enough, it wasn't.  Not to sound cold or heartless, but my first thought was "that's Molly's naptime."  That probably sounds selfish, but truthful.  Eric and I talked and decided we would go today and check it out.  That was an option the lady gave me on the phone.  She said we could come out whenever we wanted to.  Which had us curious as to what really goes on during the burial.

This morning Eric and I went to the cemetery.  The lady in the office gave us a map and showed us how to get there.  She said a path was cleared off so we could get back to the burial site.  So we drove around this massive place, seriously the biggest cemetery I have ever seen.  We found it, no problem and then got out.  I felt really good the whole way there, once we got there, then when I stepped out of the car, it was totally different.  Almost like all of my grief wrapped up in one emotion.

We got back to the burial site, there was a white cross with blue flowers attached to it, and some other flowers and "gifts" on the ground.  I never even thought about bringing something.  I guess I really didn't think the whole thing through to be honest.  I had zero clue what to expect, what we were going to see, and I don't really think I wanted to.  Eric and I stood there for awhile, I cried, and thought about how unfair this is, how next month I should be finding out if it's a boy or a girl.  I thought about how this sucks, and hope no one else ever has to go through this, and then I thought about how my baby is already sitting with Jesus, maybe being held by my brother, and how I can't wait to meet him/her someday.  Like I said, I felt all of my grief wrapped up into one big emotion.

It was good for Eric and me to go see everything for ourselves, and I am glad we were there alone.  I am not sure I could handle other people going though the same thing, all there together.  Not to sound hearltess, but I would have been more of a mess that way.  Now all that I want to do is put everything in a memory box that I got.  Once I found out I was pregnant with Molly I started keeping a jounranl, same thing with this baby.  So I am going to put all of my hospital bracelets, cards, letters, and my journal in the box.

"I do not know what the future holds, 
but I do know who holds the future" 
~Anon

21 comments:

3 Blessings said...

I am so sorry. Continuing to pray for you each time you cross my mind.
Blessings,
Amy

Sarah Robbins said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I am praying for you. . .

Christina Egner said...

((hug))

Kim said...

love you....

Jenilee said...

I think I would have wanted to be there alone too. It would be so hard to see others grieving too. I think your memory box is a great idea. just know I'm praying! hope it works out to meet sometime this summer!

Steph T. said...

Sorry you have to go thru all of this. Love the memory box idea. I also journaled to my kids when I found out I was pregnant with them. Sweet memories are in there. Praying for ya!

Mom Putnam said...

Truly sorry and I love you.

Nicole said...

As hard as this has been for you and Eric, I am so thankful for you sharing this part of your life with us. You might be one of the strongest women I know. I wish nothing but the best for your family.

Stephanie said...

Oh Kate...I wish I could hug you right now, but know that I am praying for you.

Kristen said...

{{HUG}} You don't sound heartless at all. <3

Kristin said...

I thought about you yesterday, wondering if they were still planning the burial with all of the snow. There is just nothing easy about having to go through loss and grief and you will always be in my prayers. Love you!

Becca said...

So sorry to hear that it was difficult for you! I also have a box from my miscarriage. I have only pulled it out on my actual due date but I like that I know it is there instead of in the trash or something. It is like my own little memorial. I will continue to pray for you.

Veronica said...

Still thinking about you and praying that He'll carry you through. The memory box is a beautiful idea. Sending hugs your way...!

Somethings Gotta Give said...

Still praying for you! I know your openess is truly ministering to so many. Psalms 138:8 (NLT) "The Lord will work out His plans for my life - for your faithful love, O Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me."

April said...

Hugs kate,

What a soothing thought of your brother being held by your baby. Comforting.

He & Me + 3 said...

I love the memory box idea. I am sure the emotions were just racing & being there alone with your emotions was good for the healing process.
((hugs))

Jennifer said...

Love you guys! I am 100% positive something great is going to come from all of this, and I'm sure some already has. You are amazing!

Katie said...

So sorry!! I think it is really special that they treat each baby with dignity. I love that, and yes your little one is safe and perfect.

Kari @ p.s. love.love. said...

The memory box sounds very special. I am sorry you have to be going through all of this. I think of you often and ask for His Grace to be upon you right now.

Holly said...

No doubt it was emotional when you got there. So many emotions. I think it's good to have the memory box of things to remember your baby. Still thinking of you a lot.

Holly said...

Love you. ♥