I never knew what a significant day October 15th was until I lost my own baby. I never really thought I would be effected by miscarriage, but I was. I never knew how much one little baby could change your entire life, your entire faith, until it happened to me.
Growing up I never really knew about miscarriage other than my mom had a couple. But no one really talked about it, or how it breaks a family's heart. No one prepares you for the hurt, or the loss, but I am not sure you ever are truly prepared for any situation in life. I think all books, ideas, and theories go out the window when you lose a child, no matter their age, infant, toddler, or adult. I saw this first hand after my brother died. Everyone grieves differently.
When Eric and I found out that we were in the process of losing our baby I understood how people just want to shrivel up in the corner and not come out again. I was so devastated and honestly mad at God for allowing us to see and hear this little one's heart beat just a week before we found out their heart beat was slowing down and would eventually not be there anymore. I thought how cruel, how cruel of God. I am not sure if it would have been better to not have never heard it, or if it was good to have heard it. I am still torn to this day about it.
Losing our baby rocked my world, seriously it did. Everything I thought I knew about God changed. I was just so confused, mad, frustrated, and hurt. Then the healing began, and my faith completely shifted and changed over time. And yes, we did get pregnant very soon, which we were not expecting. And I do feel incredibly blessed, but I still wonder about our lost baby. Were we having a boy or a girl, would they have blond hair or red hair, curly or straight, tall or short.
What I do know about our baby was that we were blessed however long to carry a miracle from God, a miracle that allowed its mommy to love God more than ever before and truly own her own faith. A miracle that drew its mommy and daddy closer together, and made us love our family even more. A miracle that makes me appreciate life with a true genuine attitude. A miracle that proved to me how precious life is and how short our heart beats truly are. A miracle that I thank God for allowing me to carry for those short 9 weeks. Those 9 weeks were filled with love, hope, sadness, and restoration.
Today I am letting the world know that I had a baby, that is now in Heaven, and one day we will be together again.