Tuesday, January 15, 2013

When My Insecurities Become Hers

When I was in grad school for counseling I had to "counsel" so many clients as part of my finishing requirements.  I remember talking with a lady about a lot of her fears and insecurities.  She seemed overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, but I vividly remember her looking me dead straight in the eyes and saying "I try to hide my fears from my daughter, I don't want my fears to become hers."  Part of me at the time thought she needed some more professional help, but the other part of me was scared. 

Two night ago I put Molly to bed, we did the typical reading routine, talking routine, and lights out routine.  About an hour later she woke up crying.  This is not uncommon for Molly, especially since starting kindergarten.  This time Molly was crying about not knowing all of her coins and she was scared her teacher would be mad at her.  Something completely irrational in my mind, she just started learning about money like a week ago, why on earth would her teacher be mad at her?!  All these thoughts were swirling through my head when it hit...my insecurities are hers.  I passed my fears on to Molly. 

I may not verbalize it like Molly, I might not let on to others that I am terrified of what people think of me, I may not wake Eric up in the middle of the night because I am panicked or crying over something I can not control.  But I still have all these insecurities.

Molly is a people pleaser, she gets it honestly from both her parents.  I am comforted to know she will probably have little to no discipline problems at school because she is too busy kissing up than misbehaving.  However, I am terrified Molly will fall into a lot of peer pressure because she wants to fit in, and have friends. 

Any type of personality or love language test I have ever taken has proven my need for approval.  Truthfully, I just want someone to take notice of a good job I have done, or work I put into something.  I hate a lot of attention, it actually makes me feel quite uncomfortable.  I just need one person to say "nice job."  Molly is constantly asking me if she is behaving well, if she did a great job coloring, if she read that book good enough, if I am proud of her.  Again, I may not verbalize all those things, but deep down, I am thinking them. 

My insecurities truly sometimes become my idols.  I think about them more than I think about God.  I let them grow bigger, and bigger in my life.  Sometimes so big they get in the way of my life.  Most days I am fine and feel confident about myself, feel good about my life, and I love my family to pieces.  Other days I feel inadequate, I feel like a terrible mom, wife, friend, neighbor, and I play the comparison game.  On those days is when I need to slay the idols in my life, on those days I need to allow God to grow bigger, and my insecurities shrink down, on those days I need to lay it all down and surrender again to the Lord.

I am learning and re-learning that every day is a new day, everyday is a chance to start over, a chance to re-surrender to the will of God.  And I pray that I can set this example for my Molly girl, I pray she sees that pleasing God is far more important than pleasing her teacher or her friends.  That when you live for God, things seem to just fall into place and insecurities begin to melt away. 

It's not an easy surrender or discipline to follow, but it's one well worth it.  



Unknown said...

Love your openness!! I can definitely identify with you - totally a lesson I've been working on in my own life! Love ya, girl!

Zion said...

How great that you recognize this. Really. One of my favorite quotes says "A Mother who radiates self-love and self-acceptance actually VACCINATES her daughter against low self-esteem. ” Even though it says self-esteem it could be able any form of insecurity. I have certainly thought this through for my own life. It's a whole new realm of accountability.

Unknown said...

I have seen my tendencies in my children. I pray God gives them confidence to walk with Him through life without fear. I equally pray I can entrust their lives to Him and have confidence in His ability to fill all the gaping spiritual "holes" I can't! :)