Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Having It {NOT} All Together

So much for my elaborate schemes and thoughts of posting daily for 30 days before my 30th birthday.  Yea, well the good intentions were there, but I had no follow through.  Just like a lot of things in life, ie: my craft box.  My craft box is filled to the brim of really good intentions and half started projects {insert husband eye roll}.  I can't say I don't always finish what I start, but I do have a good amount of projects or ideas that are well, still projects or ideas in the making. 

This all got me wondering, what happened to the fast paced, multi tasking, organized person I used to be.  I do better under pressure, give me a deadline and I come alive.  My last year of college I had 24.5 credit hours, a full time internship, I worked 2 jobs on campus, and planned a wedding.  To think about that again makes me tired.

Nowadays the saying of "What did you do all day?"  "I kept the kids alive."  Rings more true with each passing snow day/no school day minute.  Not that my kids are ever in harms way, but sometimes entertaining them, playing referee, reading an insane amount of books, folding and refolding laundry, and trying to cook dinner without it being a total disaster is all I literally can handle.

When I lay down at night I often replay my day, what could have gone better, what should we do tomorrow, etc.  More often than not my mind drifts to you should have done this, you shouldn't have let them watch that much TV, you should be like this mom and do this fun activity with them, you fill in the blank.  I get down on myself and think I am some how hurting my kids by not always being over the top.  Now I know some of you right now are rolling your eyes and thinking I am over the top because we do this fun thing or that fun thing.  I am at times fun, but most of the time I am an introverted homebody.  We stick to the typical schedule and it takes a lot, I mean a lot to break the cycle of the schedule.

But let me dig a little deeper, when I think back to my old fast paced self I try and think what's different, besides being married and having kids, and not a whole lot is different.  I still feel like a driven person, I still feel passionate about certain things, but honestly, I choose every single day to slow down.  I choose to not always read 900 blogs, I choose to not always participate in what everyone else is always participating in.  And those are hard choices friends.  Really hard choices.

I often have people ask me did you hear what this person is doing, did you read this book, are you going here.  And most of the time I say no.  I am not saying I have chosen to not learn, grow, or challenge myself, but if it's extra on top of what I am already doing I have to say no.  Saying no sucks, it means you are missing out on something that could be amazing, it means you are behind a little bit.  But it also means you are choosing something else to say yes to.

I am not 30 quite yet, I have about 2 weeks to go.  So lately when I lay down at night and think about my day and how I royally messed up here or there, or what I should do tomorrow, I smile and know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing, being a wife and mom.  Those right now in my season of life are the absolute most important things to me, the things I have said yes to.  And they are also the hardest things for me, because I am not perfect, I screw up, I am human.  But I choose to try every single day.

I may not be able to go back to 2005 and handle 24.5 credit hours, 2 jobs, an internship, and plan a wedding, but I can care, love, draw stick figures, read books, pack a lunch, and get to school before the bell rings every day like a boss, and I love doing it.


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